Sunday, February 20, 2011

Fortress of Solitude

I recently finished reading, "He's just not that into you.", the day after Valentines day of all days. I was so inspired and delighted by this book that I read it all the way through in a space of 4 hours in between customers at work. I also read passages out loud to my co-workers if I found one that they needed to hear..which was a lot of them. Had I read this in my 20's, I probably would have made some smarter choices. So much time wasted on bullshit and listening to bad advice. I don't know about you but I'm sick of it. This perhaps is not what most people get from this book but for me, I thought, "Screw it, if I can't find someone sweet, honest and kind then I'll be alone". A guy that can only be these things from time to time isn't good enough. I'm worth more than having to endure the pain and strife of drug addicts, alcoholics, manipulators, liars and verbal abusers. I'm over it! Step it up or stand down. I'm not saying I'm the dream girl that always gets shit on, I have issues too but I'm working on that. At least I'm recognizing things now that could lead to potential weapons of mass destruction.

I've had revelations left and right since I hit my 30's. At least I know why I'm crazy now. =) I even have a title for it, "traumatic dissociation". Basically, my brain was protecting my heart with a fortress. I used to get so depressed not being able to connect and not knowing why. I could feel so close to my friends but with lovers it was like there was a brick wall between us at all times. And that's not very sexy. I guess I thought that maybe I just had to get used to it when really it was never going to be what I wanted and I needed to change myself first.
So there's hope! This isn't just the way I am, I can heal and feel love. =) oh Happy day.

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